By Susan Cooper
The Realities of Mum Life: Running on Empty
If you’re a mum, you probably know the kind of tired I’m talking about. It’s that bone-deep exhaustion that comes from raising little people who seem to have completely missed the memo about sleeping through the night.
Dimity, my co-host and partner in sleep-deprived crime, turned up to record our latest podcast episode running on fumes. Her two kids had been taking turns keeping her awake. Everyone in the house had been sick too, and she couldn’t even remember how many times she’d been up during the night.
We ended up spending half an hour talking about our own sleep instead of the kids’ sleep, because nobody really asks how we’re sleeping. My eldest is thirteen now, so I’ve (mostly) made it out the other side. Dimity, with two toddlers at home, is very much still in the thick of it.
What Does Sleep Deprivation Really Look Like?
Sleep deprivation isn’t always one spectacularly bad night. Sometimes it’s weeks of broken sleep, early mornings and never quite getting enough rest to feel like yourself again.
Dimity’s lost track of how many times she’s been up this week. Louie’s learning six new things at once. Poppy’s sleep is all over the place. And everyone in their house seems to have had a snotty nose since May. Her coffee habit has apparently hit new lows, which I think plenty of Aussie mums will understand.
The strange thing is that life just carries on. You still get up, go to work, make breakfast and do everything else that needs doing. Saturday sleep-ins are a distant memory because the day starts whether you’re ready for it or not.
The Best Holiday I Ever Had: A Week of Sleeping
When Jamie was two, Nigel and I escaped to Japan for a week while his parents looked after him. You might imagine we spent the whole trip sightseeing, but we actually spent most of it asleep.
The weather was rubbish, which turned out to be a blessing. We’d get up, wander down to the bar, then head back for another nap. At that point in my life, it genuinely felt like the best holiday imaginable.
Years ago, a mum in my mother’s group told me that all she wanted for Mother’s Day was a hotel room to herself. At the time, I thought it was a little odd. Now I think she was a genius.
Dimity eventually did the same for her birthday when Poppy was one. Two nights in Sydney, room service in bed and some much-needed peace and quiet. The only catch was that she’d just found out she was pregnant with Louie, so technically she wasn’t completely alone!
What Does Sleep Deprivation With a Newborn Look Like?
Having a baby waking at night can make those first few months feel endless. You sleep for a little while, wake to feed or settle them, try to get back to sleep yourself, then somehow do it all again.
Jamie was a terrible sleeper as a newborn. I only realised later that he wasn’t getting enough milk during that first month. As soon as dusk arrived, he turned into a werewolf. Nigel would sometimes take him out in the car at 4am just so I could grab an hour of uninterrupted sleep.
I only ever had one child. That’s not the whole reason, obviously, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t part of it!
Eventually, four wakes become two, then two become one, and one day you realise that phase has passed. It took us a while to get there, though. Jamie only truly slept through the night a handful of times during his first five years.
Sleep deprivation can also do some very strange things to your brain. I remember hallucinating that Jamie was sitting at the end of our bed when he was actually perfectly safe in his bassinet.
One thing I wish I’d mentioned on the podcast is that if the fog ever starts to feel like more than ordinary tiredness, there is support available. PANDA has a free national helpline on 1300 726 306 for expecting and new parents who need someone to talk to.
Co-Sleeping: Everybody Says Don’t, But…
Poppy slept through the night by eight weeks, so Dimity understandably thought she’d won the baby lottery. Then Louie arrived and did the complete opposite.
With multiple wakes during the night, plus a toddler getting up at dawn, there wasn’t much chance to catch up on sleep. Eventually, they ended up co-sleeping, even though the bassinet was right next to the bed.
We’re definitely not sleep experts, and we’re not sharing this as advice. Red Nose recommends that babies sleep in their own safe sleep space, so it’s worth reading their safer sleep guidance if you’re figuring out what works for your family.
What we can tell you is what happened in our own homes, including all the things we swore we’d never do before we actually had children.
For five years, our bedtime routine involved staying in Jamie’s room until he fell asleep. Half the time, we’d fall asleep first. Then came the careful creep out of the room while desperately trying to avoid that one squeaky floorboard.
And the funny thing is that Poppy never co-slept as a baby but comes into Dimity’s bed now. Louie co-slept for months and now sleeps perfectly happily in his cot. Apparently, the kids didn’t read the parenting manual!
Why Does My Baby Keep Waking at Night?
Babies and toddlers can wake during the night for all sorts of reasons, from teething and illness to hunger, discomfort or developmental changes. And sometimes several of those things seem to happen at once.
Poppy’s teeth just appeared without much fuss. Louie’s a different story. He wakes screaming with a runny nose, and sometimes the only thing that settles him is turning the bedroom light on. It’s exactly the kind of thing every sleep expert tells you not to do, but sometimes you discover a strange little trick that works for your child.
That was something Dimity and I kept coming back to during our conversation. You can read all the advice in the world, but children have a funny way of making their own rules.
Who Gets Up at Night?
If you’re breastfeeding, a lot of the night feeds naturally fall to you. With bottles, there can be a little more room to share the load.
Nigel and I used to divide the night into shifts. He took the early one and I took the late one. Dimity and Daniel have their own system now, with three nights on and three nights off. If the monitor is on your side of the bed, you’re on duty.
And as for the running joke about husbands sleeping through everything, apparently that doesn’t apply in our houses. Nigel is often awake before I even realise someone is crying, and Daniel is much the same. Sometimes it’s actually us mums sleeping through the chaos!
Why Am I Exhausted but Still Awake at Midnight?
Dimity’s kids go to bed at seven, and after that she finally gets a little time that belongs to her. She’ll watch a show, read, do a puzzle or just enjoy sitting somewhere without anyone needing anything.
Sometimes she stays up until midnight even though she knows she’ll regret it the next morning. I completely understand why. When you’ve spent the whole day being needed by other people, it can be hard to give up the only quiet part of the day just because you’re tired.
Then there are the nights when your body is exhausted but your brain refuses to cooperate. Everything you said that day, everything you forgot to do and everything that needs to happen tomorrow suddenly feels very important at bedtime.
What Actually Helps Me Sleep
These days, I can usually fall asleep within minutes, but I worked at it. I started doing ten minutes of meditation every day and kept it up for a year. It genuinely changed the way my brain handles bedtime.
I use Headspace. When my mind is busy, focusing on my breathing helps. If something is still circling around in my head, I write it down so tomorrow-me can deal with it.
I also keep the bedroom boring. No work, no folding laundry and no TV unless someone is sick. Over time, I think my brain has learned that getting into bed means the day is finished.
What Would I Tell My Sleep-Deprived Mum Self?
Take the nap. Seriously. The laundry can wait. Get the coffee in and rest when you actually get the opportunity.
And if you’re in the middle of sleep deprivation right now, I know it can feel like this is simply your life forever. It isn’t.
Mine’s thirteen now and thinks I’m completely uncool. Somehow, I actually miss those little arms draped across my face more than I ever thought I would.
Your Turn!
Are you right in the thick of the sleepless years, or have you finally made it out the other side? Who gets up at night in your house? Did you swear your kids would never sleep in your bed, only to find a toddler sprawled across your pillow at 3am?
And have you discovered one of those completely random sleep tricks that somehow works for your child? Dimity and I want to hear it all.
One last tip from us: if you’re also battling the endless daycare germs, label everything that leaves the house. Our daycare and bottle labels are waterproof, dishwasher-safe and made right here in Australia, which is one less thing to think about when you’re running on three hours of sleep.
Prefer listening on the go? You can catch the full, uninterrupted conversation of this episode and subscribe to our show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts so you never miss an update!
